I'm aging. I can feel it creeping up on me. I first noticed a hint of wrinkles around my eyes several months ago and now I can see them coming on. Don't get me wrong, they aren't full blown wrinkles yet, but you can see places where my skin is starting to lose it's once youthful elasticity. And that scares the crap out of me. Getting old.
Somedays it feels like I blinked and suddenly I was 24. Twenty four, in graduate school, wondering what I'll do when I'm done, and with middle age miles away but in sight. Which makes me wonder what I've done with my youth? What have I accomplished? Did I change the world? Will I look back and regret things? And the recurring thing that keeps popping in my head is my music. I love to sing. But I've always been afraid of pursing it. So many people want to be singers. And I'm afraid of losing my joy of singing if it became commercialized and I was forced to pump things out over and over and over. But now that I feel age coming on me, I realize that time is slipping by and the window is getting smaller. If I want to do something I need to do it now. Like the quote that says, "Whatever you can do, do it now. For life is time, and time is all you have."
Tick. Tock. Tick.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Going to Australia...
So I'm going to Australia after all.... that is if I can come up with the few grand I need in 30 days.
As of right now what I need is:
$1,500 - to accept the offer for school (by june 30th)
$1,100 - for a one way plane ticket
$500 - Australian Student Visa
$335 - Over Seas Health Coverage
$2500 - for miscellaneous housing and travel expenses as recommended by the school.
$335 - (optional) Stylus 1030 SW Digital Camera
----------
$6270 - Needed to get there.
I can come up with $1000... but what about the other $5,000?
As of right now what I need is:
$1,500 - to accept the offer for school (by june 30th)
$1,100 - for a one way plane ticket
$500 - Australian Student Visa
$335 - Over Seas Health Coverage
$2500 - for miscellaneous housing and travel expenses as recommended by the school.
$335 - (optional) Stylus 1030 SW Digital Camera
----------
$6270 - Needed to get there.
I can come up with $1000... but what about the other $5,000?
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The Whirlwind
So life has gotten a bit complicated from where we last left it.
I got accepted into The Scholar Ship Program through Macquaire University the same day they called to let me know that the voyages had been canceled because the funding had been lost. "So sorry but you'll have to make other plans, wait until the next school year, or go to Macquarie in Australia straight away. And by the way... I know you were planning on going to school in September but school starts in July in Australia so make due."
I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. But thats life, so I regrouped, and came up with a new plan. Stay in the states til December, then head off to Australia for the Spring semester, and then to The Scholar Ship for the Fall of 09. In the mean time to keep my insurance and continue to defer my student loan payments, I'd take MBA classes here or online.
Great plan... until I realized that most of the masters deadlines had passed. Those that hadn't passed were contingent on passing the GMAT test in 2 weeks and should all go well and I got accepted, MBA classes would be available for the low price of $15,000 a semester. I was like WHAT THE HELL?! I'm better off going to Australia right away because to stay would be to operate on a big What If? Also should I not pass the GMAT and as a result not pass Go, I would now have student loan payments to worry about that could not be deferred as well as loss of insurance, which in a nutshell would make me stuck in the proverbial mud in Massachusetts. I could kiss my plans of relocating or attending grad school overseas goodbye.
It was time to make a new plan: Go to Macquarie... And as a result, leave everyone here hanging.
In a way I was really scared because not only was it a short notice plan, but I was leaving my family and friends, a house with problematic tenants, 2 mischievous dogs, and my life as I knew it behind.
Which brings me to this moment. A moment that feels like I'm on the verge of a life altering decision. And that in itself makes me very very happy. I love change. I'm finally breaking loose. And yet somehow in my happiness I feel guilty for the people and situations I'm leaving behind.
When I told my parents I was leaving they weren't thrilled. My mom is sort of on the fence but my father is upset that I'm leaving it all behind. They haven't had time to prepare for this moment and in a way I'm responsible for that. My friends on the other hand I thought would be happy for me. Thrilled in fact because I've been wanting to do this my whole life and they know it. Imagine my surprise when I told them all save 2 were upset I was leaving and by virtue in their minds, leaving them behind. NO ONE BUT TWO PEOPLE WERE HAPPY FOR ME.
Wow.
What a shock and a bummer at the same time.
Interesting that now that I'm in the mindset of leaving I'm now cultivating new relationships and finding new friends. Funny how this stuff always happens when you're ready to take flight. :-)
I got accepted into The Scholar Ship Program through Macquaire University the same day they called to let me know that the voyages had been canceled because the funding had been lost. "So sorry but you'll have to make other plans, wait until the next school year, or go to Macquarie in Australia straight away. And by the way... I know you were planning on going to school in September but school starts in July in Australia so make due."
I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. But thats life, so I regrouped, and came up with a new plan. Stay in the states til December, then head off to Australia for the Spring semester, and then to The Scholar Ship for the Fall of 09. In the mean time to keep my insurance and continue to defer my student loan payments, I'd take MBA classes here or online.
Great plan... until I realized that most of the masters deadlines had passed. Those that hadn't passed were contingent on passing the GMAT test in 2 weeks and should all go well and I got accepted, MBA classes would be available for the low price of $15,000 a semester. I was like WHAT THE HELL?! I'm better off going to Australia right away because to stay would be to operate on a big What If? Also should I not pass the GMAT and as a result not pass Go, I would now have student loan payments to worry about that could not be deferred as well as loss of insurance, which in a nutshell would make me stuck in the proverbial mud in Massachusetts. I could kiss my plans of relocating or attending grad school overseas goodbye.
It was time to make a new plan: Go to Macquarie... And as a result, leave everyone here hanging.
In a way I was really scared because not only was it a short notice plan, but I was leaving my family and friends, a house with problematic tenants, 2 mischievous dogs, and my life as I knew it behind.
Which brings me to this moment. A moment that feels like I'm on the verge of a life altering decision. And that in itself makes me very very happy. I love change. I'm finally breaking loose. And yet somehow in my happiness I feel guilty for the people and situations I'm leaving behind.
When I told my parents I was leaving they weren't thrilled. My mom is sort of on the fence but my father is upset that I'm leaving it all behind. They haven't had time to prepare for this moment and in a way I'm responsible for that. My friends on the other hand I thought would be happy for me. Thrilled in fact because I've been wanting to do this my whole life and they know it. Imagine my surprise when I told them all save 2 were upset I was leaving and by virtue in their minds, leaving them behind. NO ONE BUT TWO PEOPLE WERE HAPPY FOR ME.
Wow.
What a shock and a bummer at the same time.
Interesting that now that I'm in the mindset of leaving I'm now cultivating new relationships and finding new friends. Funny how this stuff always happens when you're ready to take flight. :-)
Sunday, June 15, 2008
All God Wants is the Three T's
I remember hearing somewhere once that all God wants is the three T's. Our Time, Our Talent, and Our Treasure. I've always struggled with the Treasure part until I heard the three t's sermon. If God has given us everything here on earth... or rather allowed us to borrow His house, His car, and His money for our duration here, it's not too much to ask for us to give him 10 percent of His money back so he can continue to give us more.
It's funny how in the bible it says if you are faithful in the little things... like tithing, you will be faithful in the big things. God doesn't NEED our money! It's rather a test of whether or not we can be faithful in the little things so he can give us more! Ironic also how in the Bible, it is the rich who have the hardest time letting go of the material to follow God, yet we all try so hard all our lives to be rich too. Giving up 10 percent of our money after we get taxed for 33% of ours, sometimes feels like a difficult feat. Yet if we acknowledge that it was God's money in the first place, why wouldn't we pay back the money we have BORROWED??? If we would do it for a friend, why not then to God? Ecclesiastes 6:15-17 "A person comes into this world with nothing. And then he dies, he leaves with nothing. Inspite of all his hard work, he leaves exactly as he came. This, too, is unfair: He leaves exactly as he came. So what does he gain from chasing the wind? All he gets are days filed with sadness and sorrow. He ends up sick, defeated and angry."
Another thing God wants is our Time. One thing I've noticed in my life is that I seem to have all the time in the world for God when things are going badly, yet when things are going great I sometimes forget to tune in.
I'm sure we've all had those friends who are very negative people. Or at least that seems to be the case because every time you talk to them they are whining or complaining about something. The good thing about God is that he doesn't get tired of us, but he wants to hear from us when things are going good too! How would you feel if you had a friend who only called you when they needed your advice or to complain about how things are going badly yet when they got that promotion or had that baby girl they were expecting, they didn't even bother to call you to share? God wants all of us. He promises to be there when things are bad, but asks us to remember him when things are good too.
The talent part can be summed up easier. Most of us have heard the parable of the man who burried his talent where it fell to misuse and neglect. God has given us talents to glorify him and often times you'll find that they old adage is true. 'If you don't use it, you lose it.' As a singer I have found the latter to be true. When I don't use my voice for long periods of time, I start to lose my range. Recently I have found myself pondering what I could do to give back to God because the secret to happiness I've found is simply in service to others. While some of the ideas I came up with was doing concerts in the church circuit, it wasn't until much later that I realized I could give back in simpler things like getting involved with the youth or being on the greeting committee at church. We all have talents where we can give back and serve. What are yours?
It's funny how in the bible it says if you are faithful in the little things... like tithing, you will be faithful in the big things. God doesn't NEED our money! It's rather a test of whether or not we can be faithful in the little things so he can give us more! Ironic also how in the Bible, it is the rich who have the hardest time letting go of the material to follow God, yet we all try so hard all our lives to be rich too. Giving up 10 percent of our money after we get taxed for 33% of ours, sometimes feels like a difficult feat. Yet if we acknowledge that it was God's money in the first place, why wouldn't we pay back the money we have BORROWED??? If we would do it for a friend, why not then to God? Ecclesiastes 6:15-17 "A person comes into this world with nothing. And then he dies, he leaves with nothing. Inspite of all his hard work, he leaves exactly as he came. This, too, is unfair: He leaves exactly as he came. So what does he gain from chasing the wind? All he gets are days filed with sadness and sorrow. He ends up sick, defeated and angry."
Another thing God wants is our Time. One thing I've noticed in my life is that I seem to have all the time in the world for God when things are going badly, yet when things are going great I sometimes forget to tune in.
I'm sure we've all had those friends who are very negative people. Or at least that seems to be the case because every time you talk to them they are whining or complaining about something. The good thing about God is that he doesn't get tired of us, but he wants to hear from us when things are going good too! How would you feel if you had a friend who only called you when they needed your advice or to complain about how things are going badly yet when they got that promotion or had that baby girl they were expecting, they didn't even bother to call you to share? God wants all of us. He promises to be there when things are bad, but asks us to remember him when things are good too.
The talent part can be summed up easier. Most of us have heard the parable of the man who burried his talent where it fell to misuse and neglect. God has given us talents to glorify him and often times you'll find that they old adage is true. 'If you don't use it, you lose it.' As a singer I have found the latter to be true. When I don't use my voice for long periods of time, I start to lose my range. Recently I have found myself pondering what I could do to give back to God because the secret to happiness I've found is simply in service to others. While some of the ideas I came up with was doing concerts in the church circuit, it wasn't until much later that I realized I could give back in simpler things like getting involved with the youth or being on the greeting committee at church. We all have talents where we can give back and serve. What are yours?
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Angst
I miss my mom.
Since my surgery a week and a half ago, I've been staying at my parents house and being here reminds me of all I've left. The shelter I've been missing out on since I've left the cocoon. Suddenly being here has made me realize how cold I've been so I have tried to snuggle back into that cocoon jacket only to realize that it no longer fits. I don't belong here anymore yet I do. It'll always be home yet it's no longer my home. I've turned into a visitor without the free meal benefit. (I have to make my own).
My dad is a retiree and is home a lot. My mom on the other hand has a very grueling job as a public school teacher. While my dad in many ways has become one of my closest friends, my mom and my relationship has also flourished and she understands me like only a mother can. She has a really intense job that I constantly ask her to retire from, but she wants to stay another few years. Because this job consumes so much of her time and life, I don't get to spend as much quality time with her. But it's on days like today, when I only catch her at the tail end of the day for ten minutes and then get ushered to sleep by my dad who I've had the chance to spend time with all day, that I realize how much I miss my mom and that cocoon I used to have, because in it I wouldn't have been politely sent out like a guest who has stayed too long. That's when it settles in. I'm an adult, with a life of my own, and the cocoon no longer fits.
Since my surgery a week and a half ago, I've been staying at my parents house and being here reminds me of all I've left. The shelter I've been missing out on since I've left the cocoon. Suddenly being here has made me realize how cold I've been so I have tried to snuggle back into that cocoon jacket only to realize that it no longer fits. I don't belong here anymore yet I do. It'll always be home yet it's no longer my home. I've turned into a visitor without the free meal benefit. (I have to make my own).
My dad is a retiree and is home a lot. My mom on the other hand has a very grueling job as a public school teacher. While my dad in many ways has become one of my closest friends, my mom and my relationship has also flourished and she understands me like only a mother can. She has a really intense job that I constantly ask her to retire from, but she wants to stay another few years. Because this job consumes so much of her time and life, I don't get to spend as much quality time with her. But it's on days like today, when I only catch her at the tail end of the day for ten minutes and then get ushered to sleep by my dad who I've had the chance to spend time with all day, that I realize how much I miss my mom and that cocoon I used to have, because in it I wouldn't have been politely sent out like a guest who has stayed too long. That's when it settles in. I'm an adult, with a life of my own, and the cocoon no longer fits.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Quarter Life Crisis.
Slowly but surely, I finally graduated college. As a newly minted grad, I find myself asking the age old question, what on earth comes next? I spent so much time focusing on the end result -- getting a degree -- and now that I'm there I feel like I've had the rug pulled out from under me. Don't get me wrong... I had a plan. I've always had a plan. It's just that now that I'm at that timeless fork in the road, I'm having second thoughts about my destination. And that is what this 'crisis' is all about -- figuring out where I really want to go... and fast.
Since before I started college I've always wanted to write. I fell in love with writing from an early age. I originally wanted to go to school for journalism but then I read a book that changed my life and consequently my perspective. 'Rich Dad Poor Dad' by Robert Kiyosaki made me realize that I had to think of my financial freedom first, that of course would begin by becoming financially literate. So the quest began. I started devouring everything I could on this topic which ultimately led me to obtaining my real estate license at 19, buying my first investment property at 21, and deciding to go to school for business finance. It was all going according to plan... until I reached my senior year and realized that if I had to put my degree to use, I would most likely end up with a desk job crunching numbers. That coupled with the fact that by then I had realized that I did not need a degree in business finance to be financially literate, brought me to the decision that I would change schools and majors. This time I went with something that I really enjoyed and fit my personality to a tee. It was a journey, but six years from when I first began, I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Communication Studies.
Somewhere along the line I had applied to do a semester at sea, but never was able to bring that plan to fruition. So when I discovered in my last year of college that a graduate study at sea existed through Macquarie University, I jumped at the chance. In a way it bought me more time, but as the application process grew more complicated to get into the international business program I desired, I started to get more and more concerned about having a specific idea about what my desired outcome was to be. Finally I decided this weekend that I will be pursing International Communications instead for my Masters.
Now that I have a specific idea of where I'm heading I need to make a list of careers that reflect my interests, passions, and talents, to further explore. I hate not having something concrete, but this is definitely a start.
Since before I started college I've always wanted to write. I fell in love with writing from an early age. I originally wanted to go to school for journalism but then I read a book that changed my life and consequently my perspective. 'Rich Dad Poor Dad' by Robert Kiyosaki made me realize that I had to think of my financial freedom first, that of course would begin by becoming financially literate. So the quest began. I started devouring everything I could on this topic which ultimately led me to obtaining my real estate license at 19, buying my first investment property at 21, and deciding to go to school for business finance. It was all going according to plan... until I reached my senior year and realized that if I had to put my degree to use, I would most likely end up with a desk job crunching numbers. That coupled with the fact that by then I had realized that I did not need a degree in business finance to be financially literate, brought me to the decision that I would change schools and majors. This time I went with something that I really enjoyed and fit my personality to a tee. It was a journey, but six years from when I first began, I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Communication Studies.
Somewhere along the line I had applied to do a semester at sea, but never was able to bring that plan to fruition. So when I discovered in my last year of college that a graduate study at sea existed through Macquarie University, I jumped at the chance. In a way it bought me more time, but as the application process grew more complicated to get into the international business program I desired, I started to get more and more concerned about having a specific idea about what my desired outcome was to be. Finally I decided this weekend that I will be pursing International Communications instead for my Masters.
Now that I have a specific idea of where I'm heading I need to make a list of careers that reflect my interests, passions, and talents, to further explore. I hate not having something concrete, but this is definitely a start.
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